Looking back...

As the year comes to an end, I have taken some time to look back on this past year. I don't do resolutions, knowing that no one, myself included, ever seems to follow through. What I did instead was set goals for myself, and for the first time, I actually achieved the goals that I set.

I started the year by starting a blog, this blog, and two others followed throughout the year. It's been therapeutic for sure, fun as hell, and helped me to see how much I like writing, expressing myself within this medium. Not to mention, highly entertaining to see my adventures and misadventures all in one spot!

I got out of a job that no longer made me happy. I wasn't being the best version of myself. As usual, I was scared of making a change and making something happen in my life. I changed that. I got my license (after too many tries) and quit my job. I took the opportunity to find out what I want to do with myself professionally and am taking positive steps to achieve these goals.

I made the goal to challenge myself this year, which was brought to life through my trip to Africa. It was more than I could have ever imagined, and I loved every minute of it. I can not believe what I got myself into, what I did, and how I never thought twice. I planned this trip on my own, joining another culture for two months, rode an ostrich, hiked mountains, went boarding on sand dunes, jumped out of a plane, camped for two weeks while driving through the African bush, and rafted on world class rapid at Victoria Falls. The trip taught me that I was stronger than I give myself credit for and lit something inside of me that has been lost for too long! I said I was living my life in black in white, and realize now the beauty and color I have in my life and I'm going to make sure that I maintain it.

While in Africa, a line from the movie Finding Nemo, kept running through my head - Just keep swimming. I know the strength and passion that I possess, and am going to keep swimming through my life, exploring, taking chances, kicking fear's ass, and keep moving forward. I am grateful for the changes I have made and the incredible year I have just had, I am so looking forward to what the new year has in store!

Weather Challenges

After 20" of snow in New York City, how's a girl supposed to look cute on a date? It's bad enough that two dates have been postponed as a result of this crazy blizzard. But now that the dates are set, the conflict continues.

Can I wear wellies on a date? Or do I sacrifice safety (the streets are slippery) and warmth (baby, it's cold outside) and go with the tall heeled boots.

Last year, the question was can I wear Uggs on a date. You know, it gets real cold here in New York and unlike many other cities, we're not driving around all the time, unless after paying exorbitant amount on rent you can afford car service or cabs to take you everywhere, clearly, I can't afford that. But I digress...

I polled friends before leaving for my date last night. One told me I had to wear the tall boots, after all, it was a first date, and I wanted to make a good impression. My two other friends were far more practical, instructing me to wear the wellies. After all, said one of my friends, "it's a disaster outside!" She continued to remind me that if a guy was going to judge me because I wear wellies a few days after a major storm, screw him!

As I trekked to my date, clear crosstown, jumping through puddles with a big smile on, I get to the restaurant where I meet my date. One of the first things he mentioned to me was how cute my boots were...

A new level of humiliation...

As I spent an evening with my pregnant friend and her husband, I got insight into the lives of a happily married couple who are expecting their first child any day now. It was cute to see him put together their second swing, arguing why baby needs two swings. It was funny to see her fight for a small sip of beer, exclaiming that baby was cooked, and what would a little beer do to baby now. Special note - don't mess with a full term pregnant lady...

Then the conversation turned to me and who I'm dating these days. My friend's husband gets into this, he wants to make sure that I date someone that is useful to him, still upset that I broke it off with guy who works for ESPN. For a couple that has been together for at least 10 years, they were curious as to how to even meet a guy these days. I know what that is like. After dating the same person for over six years, it is a daunting thing to think of how to date again, so I understood their curiosity.

I told them about my Internet dating adventure. They became intrigued, asking to see my profile, unsure of how the whole thing worked. And so started a new level of humiliation. They were beyond intrigued by the concept, continuing to quip at how "interesting" and "neat" the whole process was. They continued to remind me that they never needed to do that. Yea, I never thought I would either. But here I am, scoping guys on the Internet with your very pregnant friend and her husband weighing in on either side of the couch. Good times!

Why do we always need a direction?

As the year comes to an end, there always seems to be so much talk on accomplishments and goals for the future. Why do things in life need to be so concrete, so planned? The greatest thing about the adventures I have come back from recently is a lot of what I did was on a whim, without over thinking, without too much planning. I just did it, kept moving forward, with the faith that things would be OK. To be honest, the thought of this "go with the flow" attitude scared the crap out of me, and still does a little bit. But it felt good, I'm not going to lie.

I had high hopes that my trip, this grand adventure, would help me figure out the road ahead of me, where it would take me, what I should do, and who I am. No pressure, right? Instead, it helped me to see that I don't necessarily need to seek these things out, that maybe they will just come to me, so long as I keep pressing forward.

I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself

Thomas Merton Prayer

I don't need direction right now, I'll get there...

Prince Charming

While at a charity event last week, I met a dashing young man who seemed to sweep me off my feet. It may have been the way we danced to Christmas music, or perhaps the open bar. Either way, consider me swept.

We met again at the wine bar that he works. Yes, his place of employment. He is, a restaurant professional, his words, not mine. He has dreams of being a sommelier, living in France and Italy, and one day, having his own establishment, where he can create interesting libations for all to enjoy. Did I mention that he is 25 and lives at home with his father in Long Island. Dream shattered!

However, this boy is like Bambi, looking at me with these wide eyes, head over heels for me. And I have to say, the attention is quite nice, as was the endless glass of Cava that he provided me. I allow myself to see how this could get better, if I overlook his young age, poor choice in a roommate, and love of being a glorified waiter. Then in comes a little nugget of information that he has kept from me...

He is Prince Charming! For real, back in 2003, when he was young, strapping lad out of high school, he traveled to the far away land of Orlando, where he became Prince Charming, thanks to his dashing good looks, tree-like height, and shining smile! I died laughing!

Seriously, who says you can't meet your prince charming in a city of a million people? After all these frogs that I have kissed! Sadly, something must have gotten mixed up in the department of princesses and fairies (a real department at Disney, by the way). A prince he may be, but not for me...

Letting Go...

I read someplace that the moment you are willing to walk away from what is wrong is when things start getting right. It made instant sense to me. It's not secret that it's hard for me to "walk away" from things/people/situations. I think that is why I give people more chances than they should have. Closing a door is a hard thing. What I am starting to realize is how leaving that door open, even if it's just a crack, can create so much more damage, hindering the change I know I deserve.

What I'm stuck is where to get that willingness to let go, despite the heartache and general shit that has been in my life? Talk about being self-destructive, right? It shows the vicious cycle that is the comfort in what was familiar for so long. What was my life for so many years, and now I have to let it go, knowing that if I don't, I can't move forward.

One night I was out drinking with my friends. When the end of the night came and I went to leave, and couldn't seem to push the door open (yea, I had a lot to drink that night). Makes me wonder though, if I can't push a door open, theoretically speaking, and can't shut a door, where does that leave me?

I'm going to try this whole letting go thing. I don't want to be stuck in the middle...

The best way to put it!

As a single girl in New York City, it seems almost insurmountable to find that right guy. Sometimes, it's even hard to find a guy that is bearable enough to have a few drinks with.

While chatting with a very dear friend of mine, we talked about her upcoming date with a guy she met on Match.com. I asked if she thought this date would be a good one and get the following in response.

I'm sure it will be fun! I picked a place that's close to my apartment so I can make a quick escape if need be. I mean, I don't know... I feel like until you meet the person and see how tall they are, it's like trying to find a fart in a blizzard. Impossible to know!

I was laughing so hard I almost lost it! What a great way to put it! After regaining our composure, my radiant born and raised NYC friend continued, to inform that this perspective beau is a lawyer, born and raised in NYC, "so he could be deeply disturbed as are most of the people I grew up with!" Continuing with laughter, we resigned that the world of Internet dating continues to be worth a shot. And if nothing more, a few good laughs!

Drive by dating?

Although Internet dating has become more socially acceptable, I still find issue with it, but am trying to recognize the concept as another positive way to "get yourself out there." At least this what I keep telling myself.

So in the bars, there is the pick up with intent for immediate hook up, easy thing to spot. Then, late at night, after a few too many, there is the booty call. That phone call made coupled with poor decision making, that may make you groan in a few different ways come morning. I have found, that with Internet dating, there is a combination of these two situations that seems to be more and more prevalent...

Friday evening, after a long day in jury duty (yes, jury duty), I opted to stay in, watching movies and getting so rest for the weekend ahead. I went to my new online dating profile (ugh!) where I received an instant message. I checked out the profile, a little younger than I would prefer (27), but cute! We start chatting, he tells me I'm "real pretty", asks which part of town I live in and then immediately asks to meet for "a drink or whatever tonight". I politely tell him no, that my couch and DVR are calling me, but maybe another time. He responds "whatever" and then signs off.

It was like a drive by shooting, better yet, drive by dating?!? I've heard of guys using Internet dating as an escort service, but didn't really understand how that would all play out. I guess now I do... Never a victim, always a survivor, I will live to see another day of Internet dating, if that can be considered a good thing...

Worth It ...

Women tend to be more emotional. It's a scientific fact. What frustrates me about this trait is something I find in myself often. Why don't I believe in myself enough to turn away from a guy who is not good enough for me? Why do I continue to tolerate lazy fish, poor communicators, assholes? I can continued this list, which is embarrassing. But I've been with a lot of guys who just aren't good enough. What does that say about me? How I treat myself. If I don't treat myself well, why would others?

I try and remember that I can't make a guy be something he is not. I've tried that before, it just doesn't work. I am working on channeling that energy to strengthen me, help me to stand up for myself more. I know that when the right person comes along, he's going to want to be with me, with such veracity and passion - I'll know. And he'll know I'm worth it!